10.02.2016: Wardrobe Qualms of a Larger Lady

Normally, I absolutely hate buying clothing, but over the past couple of days, I've dawdled into a few clothing shops and tried a few things on and actually picked some bits up. I ended up getting a white turtle neck jumper from Topshop, which I luckily found in the sale (Thank goodness. I don't think my bank balance could take another hit!), and a pair of ankle boots from River Island. This got me thinking a little bit about sizes, my wardrobe and my weight. At the moment, my wardrobe consists of four distinct sections of stuff. 

River Island, £45. So they look a little hooker-y, sue me.

Section one: Jeans.

I have about nine pairs of jeans, all of which being the Topshop Joni Jeans in the biggest waist size that they do and in a variety of lengths- because lets face it, they are a pain in the arse to order online. Most of the time, they'll have W34 L30 and L34, but will they have 32? No they will not, and the 5ft4 inches of me do not like this one bit. So I improvise by either rolling the hems up or by saving the short ones for when the weather is warm enough to bare my ankles to the world. Now, just to conjure up some imagery for you: roughly four of these jeans are black and one pair has holes in the knees, three are dark navy (one with knee holes) and I have two bright-ish coloured ones. Why on earth do I think it's necessary for me to own nine different pairs of jeans? I'll tell you why. Being a chunky-thighed gal, you get holes. Anyone with bigger legs that orchestrate your trip around town will understand what I'm saying. The constant friction that these jeans suffer due to my thighs rubbing together produces painful, ugly and, let's be frank, bloody annoying holes. I can't tell you the amount of times I've had to take my jeans to my mum and beg for her to work her haberdashery magic on them. In short, I either need to lose a considerable amount of weight on my thighs, or I need to look elsewhere for high waisted jeans in my size. 

Section two: Pyjamas.

Is it weird to keep pyjamas in your wardrobe? I don't hang them up or anything, they're neatly folded. It just occurred to me that this might seem like an odd addition, but it links back to my point so hear me out. I have so many different pyjama tops, it's ridiculous. I don't intentionally go out to buy them, so how have I procured so many? I have fallen victim to constant fluctuation. My weight is either big, bigger or "Oh my God, Katie. You have never been this big. Sort yourself out, woman.". Now, when I get down to a smaller size, I still stick to buying my original sized clothing. I do this because I am always aware that my weight can go shooting back up again in less than 6 months. This has resulted in me either: A) being far too big for my clothes, feeling too uncomfortable to wear them out in public, and therefore wear copious amounts of tops as pyjamas. Or B) losing enough weight to feel swamped in my clothes and wearing them as pyjamas. This is good in terms of never having to buy pyjamas, but bad in regards to my self esteem. (I really liked my "Casse-toi" top and now I have to wear it to bed? For shame. Now who will appreciate my French swears in lecture theatres?)

Section three: Shoes.
Stacked on top of one another, in the impossibly small foot space of my student wardrobe, are a selection of my boyfriend and my own shoes. I love shoes, which is why that space is too small for me. For a normal person, probably not. But I digress. There has always been a reason that I absolutely adore shoes, hats and handbags- but shoes are definitely the top dog of the three. Let me explain. Shoes, once you're past the age of around 16, will never not fit you. Once you reach your biggest footwear size, you will not go up or down. I will always remain a tiny size 4 and shall continue to complain about it until my dying breath. "I'm so out of proportion. How am I expected to carry such a huge frame on such a freaking small base? No wonder high heels hurt me and I can't even be bothered to wear them on nights out anymore. My life is so hard." - Just to give you a snippet of what anyone who knows me has had to deal with at least once. Back to my point, regardless of how much weight I lose or gain, my shoes will not desert me. However, fashion does, so either chuck those bad boys in a charity bag or save them for when 'creepers' come back in- remember those? Awful.

Section four: Jumpers.
Winter is the best, closely followed by autumn. Why? I get to wear my jumpers. I have three jumpers that I wear on loop- all exactly the same, just different colours. I bet you're thinking that I'm bland and boring. You might be absolutely right, but I am comfortable. My jumpers are all turtlenecks, cost me about £38 or so each and are grey, navy and mustard. I love my jumpers because they aren't too thick so that when I'm doing things I'm overheating all the time, and they aren't too thin that I freeze my everything off. All in all, they are great and I love them. Why does this matter? I find it so god damn difficult to pick out things in my size that don't show everything that I dislike about my body. My podgy stomach needs to be concealed, if only for the benefit of my own self-esteem. Whenever I find anything that I like and achieves all of my check-list points, I tend to snap it up (unless I have zero wonga, then I beg). I might get a bit down if it just looks like a huge sack-sized lump of material when strewn upon the floor, but as long as it looks good on me and I feel happy, I brush it off.

Being 20, I feel like I should have reached the stage where I should at least feel slightly comfortable in my own skin- but unless I'm by myself or with my boyfriend, I just don't. I'm constantly sucking in my tummy, making sure that my posture doesn't make anything hang over my jeans or makes my shoulders look too broad. I'm a mess sometimes; but I think that's okay. Maybe I won't ever be one hundred percent happy with my weight or size or shape or clothes, but I'm definitely going to keep trying to improve every aspect of my life- starting with the worst first.

Another ramble post today- sorry if it isn't your thing! Let me know what type of post you prefer to read on this blog. At the mid-point of January, I'd began my diet and now I'm 10lbs down. Now I just have to keep going and not muck it up, which is harder said than done. Also let me know if you find weight-related topics interesting- I know I do. I think my next post will be something to do with health and fitness (or a lack, thereof). Have a great day!

04.02.2016: Beauty Bits I've Been Loving

With Christmas passing quickly and the new-releases of January flashing by, it's pretty easy to get caught up in a whirl with all of the new beauty bits you can acquire. I've managed to whittle these down into five things that I can honestly say I'm glad to have in my collection, and quite ridiculously have no idea how I dealt without. (Of course, this is an over-reaction. I could've done without spending the money but they were just so gosh darn pretty.) So, without further ado, I present to you the five things that I've accumulated over the past month or two and really freaking liked.

Told you they were pretty. Left: Viva Glam Ariana Grande, Right: Honeylove.

Is it a little more justifiable now? Every girl buys MAC, potentially because we flock like sheep towards anything that a pretty-lipped girl recommends. Nine times out of ten, she'll be speaking about the newest nude shade from MAC, or a pink that she believes offers the perfect 'her lips but better' tint. She'll be right. I'm not one to shy away from a lipstick, and matte finishes from MAC are my absolute favourite. So what if they leave your lips feeling like you're stranded in the Sahara? You'll look gorgeous battling the sand dunes.

Ariana Grande's shade is something completely different for me. I've tried to achieve this colour before, when purchasing Rebel (also from MAC) but sadly the satin finish left it looking too light for my taste. So when I saw Ariana rocking this colour in the ads on the side of my screen, I knew that it could be the one. It was matte, dark as hell and the packaging was pink so I was sold. Safe to say that I've been wearing this on my bolder days.

Honeylove is a repurchase for me- after a particularly heavy birthday rendezvous, my beloved lipstick was lost forever. So I bit the bullet and paid a stonking £15.50 for the privilege of having my fave nude back. Lighter than Velvet Teddy, but still matte. It's my go-to lippy to just shove on before I whiz to somewhere last minute.

Gwen Stefani x Urban Decay Blush Palette.

I am a peachy blush girl through and through. I've never gotten on with pinks- probably because I want to stray away from my naturally red-faced-ness. I can't remember where I first saw someone talking about this, but when I did, I couldn't have clicked onto the UD website quick enough. Turns out I was way too early and had to wait another week or so for it to actually be released (a painstaking week of debating whether or not I could actually afford to buy it). Eventually, I persuaded my boyfriend to buy it for me as a belated birthday present and voila. Although, I have to say that I wasn't impressed when we ordered it online and then two days later Debenhams had it in store. Luckily it arrived the day after- but still.

Anywho, my favourite shades have to be OC (furthest away on the bottom row) and Lo-Fi (the closest on the bottom row).  OC is a lovely matte peachy blush that makes me feel like it's the middle of summer as I'm battling against the January winds. Lo-Fi I'm using as an alternative to NARS Laguna bronzer, as it's more matte. I am very excited to try out Angel, too (furthest away on the top row) which is a shimmery, iridescent peach. I'll let you know if it's a third fave.

Don't worry, I bought this one myself. Gwen Stefani x Urban Decay Eyeshadow Palette.

A month before the blush palette, I caved and picked this beauty up. Look at all the neutral shades. Let's just ignore the 'slightly' garish Harajuku & Danger shades that are going on all up in that- they might be useful at Halloween or something. There are loads of pretty colours to choose from, so I've narrowed it down to my top five shades: Stark, Anaheim, Zone, Punk and Blonde.

Just a little outline of how I use these shades on the eye: I've been using Stark (bang slap in the middle) all over the lid with either Anaheim (to the left of Stark) or Zone (to the right of Stark) in the crease for an everyday neutral easy eye. When I want to make it a little darker, I put a little dab of Punk (furthest away on the top row) in the outer V of the eye. Finally, I finish up with using Blonde (top left) under the arch of the eyebrow, right on the brow-bone, to act as a highlight.

Photographing mascara is so difficult to do nicely. Too Faced Better Than Sex Mascara. 

Last but not least, this mascara. This mascara. It was totally an impulse buy, I'll admit. Everyone had been raving about it and I was bored of my L'Oréal False Lash Wings mascara, so I forked out £19 of my own hard-earned wonga and bought it. I'm glad I did, but I still wince at the price for 'black stuff that make my eyelashes more pronounced'.

It does make them a lot more pronounced. I've been sick recently, so I've not managed to do anything to my face other than put this mascara on my lashes and wipe my nose. Good for the skin, bad for the people that get to see my face. Either way, my lashes looked long and full. Score.

Let me know what you thought of the bits I've mentioned, has this swayed you on delving into your purse and buying them or completely turned you off?

More on me being sick, to round this post off. It's just a cold, but honestly I am very much over it. I'm currently sitting in my room, feeling very sorry for myself. I have a lecture to head off to in a minute and I'm really not feeling it, but alas, I will attend for the sake of my education. Another blog post to come in the next day or so.

01.02.2016: Thoughts From A Coffee Shop

This is something completely new for me.

Have you ever considered yourself to be striving for something, anything? I've found myself going through different phases throughout my meagre 20 years. I'm not talking about the stereotypes that teenagers flit in and out of; tomboy, goth, hipster. I mean something more along the lines of watching Bridget Jones' Diary and longing to be exactly like her. After a few days of jotting down notes in a diary about how life treats you unkindly and imagining a way that you can become a hotshot journalist in the excitingly fast-paced city of London, it becomes a little tiresome. I'm also guilty of lusting over people's seemingly perfect lives that they portray on social media. I've been infatuated with the numerous 'Instafamous' and gorgeously suave youtubers our generation seems to constantly be churning out. Following so many healthy eating blogs and instagram accounts in the hopes that I'll become as flat-stomached and inspirational as they are. It has yet to work.

I often find myself longing so hard to become something that, at this point in my life, I am not. Since noticing that I was larger than all of my school friends as the tender age of eight, I've wanted to become slim. Watching romance movies which ended with 'happily ever afters' left me longing for the love that the leading lady receives. Hearing of heavily influential feminists in this day and age makes me incredibly proud to be of my gender, leaving me wanting to make an impact on the world just as they have. My point is this, despite wanting all of these things, I have found that striving to make them happen doesn't work. This is within reason, of course. I'm not suggesting that exercise and a healthy diet won't allow you to end up with a slim trim! My point is that getting into the frame of mind where you want so badly to be like someone else isn't a healthy way of changing yourself. It is not an improvement, it's more of a lie. Keeping up such false pretences isn't a way to live, so I think it's time to cut the crap. I know I'll still long for a better figure- but I'll be doing it to become a healthier me, who is happy with herself.

The view I have whilst writing this.

These are just some short rambles I've been mulling over in my head today. Even right at this second, I'm sat in quiet, picturesque coffee shop with my laptop out trying to make my hot chocolate that I bought an hour ago last just a little while longer. I had tried to dedicate this time to finishing a book that I started months ago, but sometimes you just need to take a step back and write down your thoughts. Let me know if you have these thoughts sometimes, or if you downright disagree with all of my jibberjabber- I won't be offended. I'm unsure of the future of this blog- I don't know whether or not to splice little thoughts like these in between beauty bits. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!